Is there an Android tablet that does not suck?

What I need:
* stock Android, latest OS version
* enough CPU that the UI does not lag
* enough main storage that I don't have to worry about it
* enough battery that it will run for at least a long afternoon
* standard power adapter, either microUSB or USB-C
* ok camera
* SIM & WIFI & GPS &etc

What I do not want:
* OEM UI "experience"
* OEM shitware
* out of date Android version
* slow security updates
* proprietary plugs, cables, adapters, or chargers
* the wireless internet locked to a carrier
* showing off how hipster skinny thin it can be. I need moar battery, not shaving 20 fucking grams of weight from my everyday carry.

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