Mark Atwood (fallenpegasus) wrote,
Mark Atwood

"In celebration of Ebay's new firearm parts policy..."

snerk. I am amused.

In celebration of Ebay's new firearm parts policy we proudly offer the ONLY genuine, fully automatic ASSAULT ROCK!!!! Get yours fast before Ebay decides you can't - it seems guns have some legal standing in the Constitution of the United States (not on Ebay). Our crack team of right-wing lawyer wantabees are looking for rock protection as you read this - besides it keeps them from esoteric pursuits such as trying to figure out why liberals exist. These incredible tools started out as just lousy old Colorado granite; but have been transformed into works of art worthy of, and able to induce shock and awe!

Colors available:

Black. A most ominous color, great for swat (literally) work and they immediately strike (that's what you got it for isn't it?) fear into your foe's heart while showing that you care enough to use the very best.

White. While it may look like you stole it from some old lady's garden, is no less effective, is innocuous enough to look like a paper weight, and great for winter work, but we caution, repeated use may cause staining.

Camo. OF COURSE, why wouldn't we - after all we are shamelessly promoting this. It is our most popular rock, and its ability to blend - in is legendary and various patterns are available upon request

Natural. While it seems shabby on our part to offer what would seem to be a plain old rock - hey the pet rock phenomena still amazes us. We felt it only proper, and in may cases it would be the best choice at being non-threatening and blending in with the environment - again, hey we want to be able to have some bogus claim to being "green." We will send you a relatively clean rock with most of the dirt clods knocked off, postage being what it is.

The "designer" rock-custom colors, blends, and jewel be-studded upon request. Price dependant upon upgrades and jewels chosen.

All rocks are fully automatic, never need to be reloaded - as long as you can cock your arm, have a durable dollar store spray paint finish and come with a lifetime guarantee - if used for their intended purpose. Please note: most have minor natural defects that do not affect performance. Please be sure to order the proper size, the largest you can easily wield will be the most effective. It is not our fault if you bring "too much rock" and have difficulty recocking in the fully automatic mode. Remember too little rock usually results it necessity to go "Full Auto" to be effective, and this may be offensive to some passer-bys. We also caution against just going out and getting your own home grown or "reloaded rock" as these are not subject to the rigors of our process and may be easily subject to the penchant of the legal profession to file a suit claiming you are a crazed, right wing, rock loving, Neanderthal, republican, enviro-hating, SUV driving, carbon hogging, God-fearing, aberrant, pervert.

Calibers available:

  • Humongous - best left to the meanest SOB on the block or a front end loader
  • Large - for those that have some kind of complex
  • Medium - best choice for most, a little large to conceal, but will "git-er-done"
  • Small - best for pocket of purse, may require repeated cycles to be totally effective
  • Micro only for the well trained in the art of "rockette" - did it take a rocket scientist to know that?


  • Material: granite, we think
  • Finish: lousy aerosol paint
  • Country of origin: USA, Colorado
  • Weight: varies, depends on what we can find and what you want
  • Color: started out sort of reddish brown, maybe gray
  • Safeties: None. The darn thing is a ROCK! For crying out loud, what do you want, an HK?

Please note: this item, due to its inherently dangerous nature, is not available to: at least the northern portion of the left coast and the land of fruit and nuts (Kalifornia and Ebay). In fact, we highly recommend that those areas IMMEDIATELY begin a program of regulating, stamping out, filing a manufacturer's class action suit against God, (the original manufacturer), and rendering all non-military or law-enforcement controlled rocks un-useable and ineffective by super gluing them to something solid or crushing them to the size of salt grains. (Any larger and some fool might think to use them in a sling shot!!)

Please Note Again: We recommend against going "air-borne" with your rock unless you are a major league class pitcher or NFL class quarterback. Rocks out of control and personal retention may be easily turned against the original possessor - besides it just shows a lack of self-control.

HURRY!! Get yours soon, as far as we know there are only so many available, and no more are being made that are readily available, although some MAY be evolving (just had to use that word didn't ya?)

Be sure to check out our other items: sticks, hammers, assault cars, fire-place pokers, screwdrivers, golf clubs, etc.

Above content copyright JLS 2007. May be copied, perused, abused, edited and broadcast or re-broadcast only on fear of ridicule as long as changes are apparent and the original content remains intact?????

Tags: ebay, guns, snark

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